21 years later my mother texts me saying “If I could do it all over again, I wished I had named you something different. How would you like that?”
I never texted back. If you could do it all over again, I wish you wouldn’t have had sex with the man that wanted nothing to do with me, I wish you would have never gotten pregnant, I wish you would have gotten an abortion. CHANGE MY NAME? Seriously? That wouldn’t change the fact that I fucking hate myself, mother.
Anyone who has ever crossed my path saw this coming. I have lost everyone that ever mean’t anything to me. My family..my friends..they had enough of me long ago. I’ve lost my will to be, to breath, to try at all. The last person who still considered me a friend was murdered. Now I can live in the shame and disgust.
I honestly can not find a single reason to stay in this prison a second longer.
Who’s up for playing tricks tonight?
Some girl who was my friend just a week stole my wallet. It had $200, my debit card, id, iPod. Then she said it was my fault! And blocked my number >.<
Anyone want to help me out with this? Who likes prank calls/texts?! lol
I’m leaving all I know..everyone I know. I will meet new faces and they will not know mine. I will try to lead the life I wanted from the beginning. There is no past, no mistakes, no regrets, no old memories that cloud my head and make me wonder. There was not a life before this one, I have decided that I was born today. At 20 years old, 5’8, 115 llbs. I will make it through because I have to. I will enjoy it because I so desperatly want to. As of now, history has been erased. As of always, I’m lost. As of now, I will find my path.
Yes, I can do this. I care very little that it doesn’t make sense. The first 20 years didn’t..I think the next 20 will get off to a rocky start but I’m for damn sure going to have fun and find myself in the process.
Sometimes I sit here and wonder when the pain will subside.. then it dawns on me, never. The hurt is here to stay. The cracks in your heart, the bruises to your ego, the tearing of your soul is all here to stay. Something’s aren’t worth running from. People are right, all your problems catch up to you in the end.
Well, here’s the end. I’m standing in a bath tub, water running.. don’t want to leave a mess for whoever has to clean up after me. All my problems have caught up to me and I’m staring face to face with the barrel of a gun. I can’t help the slight smile creep up to the corner of my lips. A thrill rushes through me with the thought of death so close I can feel my last breath exhale….
Whispers fill my ears, “For me.”
I put the gun down. We don’t all get the luxury of blowing our brains out.
I step out of the tub, walk back to my room and crawl into bed. The only reason I keep opening my eyes in the morning is because someone asked me to. The only reason I deal with the pain, hurt, emptiness, darkness, disgust, and self-hatred is because someone says they love me and I can’t hurt them.
Everyday the more I want to die, someone else wants me even more to still be breathing next to them.
I dream it up in different ways..
Shooting myself.. would I do it through the mouth? Side of the head? Forehead? Maybe draw a little target as a sick joke? Think anyone would get it?! I can almost taste the metal in my mouth again. Feel the blood trickle down the back of my neck as I fall to the floor.
Digging a knife deep into my wrists. Just stabbing them and slicing in a upwards motion.. digging through the flesh. I can already feel the tingle, the warm blood streaming down and dripping off my arms.
Taking just one too many pills or getting hit by someone speeding by.
My mind won’t stop toying with the idea of wrapping a rope around my throat.
Someone fucked up when they made me.
Well she died, she went head on and laid there motionless in tears, as a life slipped away. There was nothing she could do but watch and pray that after all the horror the same would happen to her. It didn’t, a girl was pulled from the wreckage. But not the one you knew and loved, that girl stayed behind. That girl died in the bloodied mess as the new one sat numb and silent watching her new future days go by..she isn’t coming back. One should be happy the new one is forced to stay.
when you wake up in the morning, the sun is shining, birds singing, I’ve loaded and am ready for my wake and bake take my first hit..clogged.
God damnit >.<